Personal mind control

How is it that I have a thousand thoughts running through my head at the most inconvenient times? And, dare I say, those thousands of thoughts were beautifully constructed in the crevices of my mind - it is a crime for them to escape.  They are things that need to be written down.  And then I sit down to write. And then they are gone.

I convince myself sometimes that I have omniscient thoughts - that I can fill in the blanks of what people are thinking around me.  That man smiled at that girl, but didn't meet her gaze.  He loves her. And, yes, I over-romance everything. Because I want everything to be beautiful. And that is why I become frustrated when the beauty leaves my thoughts before I can write them down.

No, it isn't writer's block, this general idea of losing thoughts.  However, I am having writer's block right now.  Because me trying to explain my mind to you is impossible.  It is my mind - the only one I've ever had, the only one I've ever known.  And, no matter how hard you try to drill your perspective into me, I will still continue to see it through my lens.  That's the truth. And I don't even know who I mean by you.  I suppose you'll know when the time comes.  Me? I'll be left in the dark.

No, this phenomena of not being able to grasp at my thoughts is more than writer's block. It is an experience filled to the brim with frustration - similar to writer's block.  But no, not writer's block. And, as I mill that idea over in my head I can't help but wonder - were those thoughts truly that wonderful?  These moments we have where we convince ourselves that we have had epiphanies - are they just some giant hoax we create in our minds? Time and time again I've thought I've found the answer, only to have lost it mere seconds later.  And why?  The way I see it, there are two possible answers: 1) I'm insane or 2) I am not omniscient.

Recently, I've come to the understanding that I myself don't even have control over my mind.  There are times where memories flood into the open spaces in my mind and fill it - I don't want those memories. And then there are times when thoughts flood into my mind and fill other empty spaces - I don't want those thoughts.

And, yet, beautiful things also flow into my mind.  So who has control of my mind?  Simple answer: God.  Complicated answer: me.  I'd rather know that God was in charge of my mind than me being in charge.  So why complicate things?

Again. Please excuse me while I digress.