How many countless times have I heard the phrase remember you are loved.
I know. That is what makes this difficult.
I know I am loved. I know that God loves me unconditionally. I know that my parents would put their lives on the line for me. I know there is a community of people around me at all times, supporting me.
But so often I don't feel it. I believe it in its entirety, but I can't feel it. I am numb to the understanding, even though the understanding is clear to me.
That is the most frustrating part; knowing the truth and yet not feeling it. There are times in my life where I can feel emotion bubbling under my skin, pushing my flesh to escape. I feel the emotion there but I don't feel the emotions. It doesn't sound logical - it doesn't make sense. And I know that.
Those times when someone tells me to remember that I am loved - I write off that conversation. It is a cliché statement that merely signifies that they have nothing else to tell me outside of the same words that, I am certain, have been spoon-fed to them countless times. I don't want you to tell me that I am loved, but tell me how to feel that love. I know it is there. I know it exists. I have faith in it. But something in my body, something under my skin, shuts it off from reaching an emotional understanding of it all. And I want to feel it so badly.
You can tell me I am loved; you can tell me that all you want. But what I truly need is not to hear words of affirmation, but feel the bucket full of cold reality splash on my numb flesh.
I need to feel the pricks and tingles of the truth.
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